好到遗憾无法打扰

搭车Uber 到最靠近的地铁站。 今天周六，我没开车， 双峰塔附加的道路一定塞车。

司机的正职是警察， 昨晚还当了夜班。 他极力澄清自己放工后已经有充裕休息， 我只是点头笑了笑， 心里面满脑子的讲稿。

窗外空荡荡的， 周六清晨吉隆坡人尚未苏醒。 真好。 刹那间心中是平静的。

演讲结束， 我匆匆回家。

就这样， 几乎过了一个月。 我的生活仍持续进行中。 或许我想说， 现在比之前更拼。 任何一个演讲， 任何一篇报导其实不过都是个让更多人认识你的平台， 它们永远不是终点。

推掉了朋友们的社交活动， 除了唯一最好的朋友圈子， 几乎每个星期都会定时吃晚餐。 现在的生活定律， 就是采访， 写稿， 读读读， 网上资讯追追， 健身， 回家， 偶尔拍视频。 自修视频剪接真的很痛苦。

我很喜欢这样平静的自己，心定了才能事半功倍。

“我們都要把自己照顧好, 好到遺憾無法打擾。”

我很期待重返战地的自己。

最近有点不开心

说真的， 我似乎失去了个人的社交媒体情绪抒发管道。
很多人说， 你是年轻一辈的学习对象， 所以你不行摊开负能量那一面出来。 但是亲爱的， 我终究只是人类一个。

我同样面对同年龄面对的低潮期， 瓶颈， 仿佛做什么事情都无法自己理想中那么好。

大部分， 是自己给自己的压力吧。 对自己期望太高， 做不到的时候真的会很沮丧。 我尝试努力， 尝试以玩笑和轻松的方式带过。 但是心中是满满的孤独感， 无助。

其实我不过是毕业不到一个月。

最近回去听刚旅人朋友们说故事。 我安静听着， 嘴角不自禁上扬。 听得很开心。 谢谢你们跟我分享， 让我回想当初的自己。

我很喜欢现在的自己， 但是有时候总会觉得哪里还是做得不够好。 

和自己对话

我的时间停滞一年， 是时候再次上路了。

7年前刚来到吉隆坡的的我， 对于到来这座大城市生活亦常兴奋。 我迫不及待想看外面的世界， 横冲直撞牟足方法发掘在我以外的世界。 

我跌倒跌得比任何同年纪的人多， 我面对的孤独感曾经非常剧烈。 那些已经成为过去， 过去的我成就了今天站在 TEDx 舞台的自己。

过去我用了一年的时间学着面对沮丧、 面对孤独、 学着放手， 试着在迷失中继续前进。

我想， 年轻人总是很在意别人在我们身上的眼光。 因为在意所以心中总容易觉得不是滋味。

学着去放下那些不需要去在乎的人事物。 那些总是把你当第二选择的朋友， 我几乎已不会去回复对方的信息， 除了紧急的状况以外。

When we want to move on, it's better to get rid of the unnecessary burden. Turn the past into messenger in life. It's a norm we gain something and lost something throughout life. But it doesn't matter anymore. The most important thing is we let go.

清晨的失落

清晨起来看到让自己沮丧的电邮。 那真一点都不好受， 可能一部分也是因为自己停滞不前好久一段时间了吧。

要怎么去接受失败， 这似乎成了我近期必须去修炼的课。 

脱下光环以后要面对的压力是更巨大的。 我会努力的， 给我自己机会， 而不是为了证明给任何人看。

告别第一波浪花

决定了换健身房、搬家。

之前的健身房其实老早已经觉得设备非常有限， 而且收费颇为昂贵， 但是因为在那里待了快三年， 安于现状所以没离开。 这一次下定决心了。

住家方面因为环境有些混杂， 不适合就搬吧。

上个月刚刚毕业， 本来还以为毕不了业。 完成了， 人生进入下一个阶段， 未完待续。 

现在我是一名全职媒体人， 前几年的努力见到了一些些收获。

第一波的浪花已经到达它的最高处了。 曝光率方面目前也够了。

准备着第二波的浪花。 第二波需要更扎实的智慧、 更丰富的经验、 更笃定的自己。 除了写和拍照， 近期开始在玩视频。  

不久后会和一名朋友合作， 到战地拍纪录片。 

好多好多的事情要去做， 要去找寻机会。 还有， 同时不可以忘记自己的初衷， 给予自个儿和自己对话的时间与机会。 

可能着就是人生， 总会有不一样的起起伏伏。 有高潮也有低潮， 走过了也总算是长一智。 

早起

早上五点我已经起床了。 梳洗后就去吃早餐健身去。 

心里不免还是在缠绕在后来的日子要怎么在梦想和现实中平衡。 

下个星期实习的日子将结束。 

你知道吗， 其实我过去都不是一个在乎点击率的人， 然而现实社会媒体并非你觉得写得很有意思， 很有正义的力量就可以跑得很长远。

不够努力

健身友人今天大伙儿练得死死的。 谁叫我最近都在偷懒， 愧疚感好重。
明天早上五点多要起来健身， 周一开工前一定要做的事情。

最近刚从热浪岛回来， 那是一个极其短暂的度假。 但是对于近期的我来说， 是一个一大口气的深呼吸。 已经好久好久， 好久好久没有不带工作的旅行。

最近都有好多人在问我， Chris 你过后有什么打算？你下一个要去的是什么国家？
说真的， 我自己也在调整和计划当中。 如果要花上好一段时间去计划的， 很显然就是方向上的转变会蛮大的。

你问我， 害怕吗?
当然， 尤其是在全新的计划上， 又得一个人去面对的时候。 想到这里感觉并不很好受。
但是我晓得人始终需要面对的是自己。

你问我， 想要回去战地吗？
很想， 非常想。
我得先安顿经济上的不稳定， 还有媒体方向的稳定性以后， 才能回到那里。
以自己目前的阶段， 真的已经不适合像以往一样， 说走就走。
阶段性的冲动过去了。
卸下了叛逆， 要走得长远， 做得更有效应， 始终还是得像大人一样规划。
20出头， 活得精彩无悔， 在不同的试探和诱惑中走过来。
20的后半段， 一定要比过去过得更有意思。
给自己心灵和情绪上的成长做一个交代。

7年过去了

羽球决赛后我问你待会儿有没有要赶回去， 晚上十点多了。

你从芙蓉开了一个小时车赴约。 你说没事， 到几点都可以。 我问你想找个比较安静的地方还是吵杂的酒吧？ 不然酒吧吧， 热闹些， 周六夜晚。

你开车， 我导航。

7年了， 你还是没有变。 我在你面前也似乎没有变。 其实这七年来心里深处有一块就是缺失的， 你知道我也知道。 你早已经知道。

都过去了， 也过得很久了。

谢谢你让17岁的我学到了成年礼最重要的一课。

有时候我真的蛮难过的， 尤其当时候的错过和失去。 如果那时候没有冲动， 如果那时候没有执着， 可能这7年就不需要一个人去面对这些让人惧怕的世界。

你啤酒后说出你的一点点迷茫， 我鸡尾酒后道出失意时的孤单。 我越是跟你说， 越是说不出， 想让你知道说他妈的， 这几年没有你其实有时挺难过。

可能你都知道。 你早就知道了，你说。 所以你一直都没有离开过。

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.

Some life lessons from Guru

There are many questions came across my mind these days. It's a form of awakening, or perhaps in a stage when you started to ponder the purpose of life. There are varies factors triggered the feeling of lost and loneliness. They aren't a good feeling as it is a stage of emotional growth where take a long time for ones to evolve.

Here are some conversations I had with my Guru, Patrick in the past months.

We talk about loneliness.

If no one can understand you if you were the only one left in this world, would u be able to give that same joy, love and affection to yourself. This is inevitable cause despite the family friends n companions we gather along the way in life, we are ultimately left to ourselves in the end. Each one of us, all our love ones hv their own life to lead and develop. We can be there for them and in turn they are there for us, but ultimately cultivation has to be done by the self alone. That is the essence of life. It is a progress n evolution n eventually transmutation n transformation. Similar to the development of a diamond from coal over many many aeons. Loving another develops our loving nature, helping others develops our compassion, being true to others and oneself develops our integrity. It is the development of character that counts in the end, that is something we should strive for.

is it true that some ppl said keep making urseld busy, get involved into some social works, going nature, meet new ppl, and I will be fine?

Yea, it's a form of distraction , still going outwards to seek happiness and meaning. Ultimately in the end you'll still hv to come back to yourself.

how can we observe the change and how do we evaluate on our progress?

When we no longer attract the same patterns that as before , patterns that are not conducive to our growth. It the patterns are still there , it means we still need to learn from the experience.

Hv to be mindful of your choices in life.

Choices in life, does it include balance between dreams and reality? How do u see between the reality and what our heart tells us to do?

Choices are driven by intent. Whenever we chose to do something we need to ask ourself what is the motivating factor. That is most important. Is it done out of fear, or out of genuine love for oneself and the other. Sometimes difficult choices hv to be made for the greater good.... You ask about reality and the heart, what the difference is- reality is what u make of it, that's why people operate on different levels of realities depending on their level of consciousness. One who aligns his pure heart with reality and follows that path , finds peace n happiness.

For now go back to intent n purpose.

Align pure heart with reality is indeed a very deep thing to handle. but is true. follow our heart will make us influenced by our emotions, can it still considered smth good?

Ah that's why I said a pure heart, not one that's controlled by emotions. That's why as a start, try to monitor your intent n motivations behind your choices first.

I still go on with my daily routine, not very busy kind of routine. but I feel the self thought things and the emotions stuff drain away a lot of my energy sometimes.

When u talk to the self as a form of therapy , u take the form of a detached observer posing questions to your emotional self. When u are lost in your 'thoughts' u are not detached , you are compounding the intense feelings and magnifying it by attaching yourself more to the emotions associated with the situation.

I come across this question again and again this week. what is the purpose of life, if we are coming to the world naked and eventually we r going to leave empty-handed too? i have try to get the answer thru my religion, passionate in doing things etc in the past 2 decades, but when i halt everything, it comes to my mind,: "what's then?"

And then we will eventually leave the world and that's it?

It's like the analogy of coal n carbon bring transformed into a diamond. Bit by bit little by little.

We do not leave the world , we return repeatedly like an actor assuming different roles n masks. Playing different parts n perspectives. What eventually matters is that the actor himself hones n develops his skill.

I understand how u feel, I've had similar questions too. The Buddha too had similar questions n he pondered over it, reflected about it and found that it was impossible to answer it through rational thought alone. One had to understand the nature of existence n reality by first understanding universal laws though inducing a state of higher consciousness - meditation.

The universal laws which he uncovered was three aspects that mark human existence- suffering, impermance, and non self .

It is therefore the quest of all sentient beings to seek the opposites- that of ultimate happiness, permanence, and self.

Different religions hv different answers to it

Most faith based religions rely on trust in an external power to save them to achieve the three main aspects

However , it is my personal view that it is through individual effort alone which counts in the end

The development of inner resources lifetime after lifetime.

We talk about humans, some humans that had intentionally or unintentionally hurt us.

People hv light and shadow aspects to their characters. Many are not conscious about the hurts they inflict onto others cause they are unaware about their darker aspects. It comes up when they are not "conscious" of it. That's why self reflection is always a useful tool. But it doesn't matter, what matters now is that you let go of this person... Not just physically but emotionally too. The wound is still there only if u cling on to the hurts n the emotional bondage of the past. Let it go. Not only will you be happier, but you are releasing the energy plugged into the past to manifest a life that is awaiting for you.

24岁的梦想

我们经常说，我们热爱自由因为我怕承担责任。这句话其实是矛盾的。要自由的人，其实要担最大的责任;选别人少走的路的人，要背负最沉重的枷锁。从来就没有不需要抵抗重力的飞翔。 - 马薇薇

就这样一句话， 就可以概括我这半年来， 没有更新部落格状况下的生活。 忙着将学业的事情搞定， 然后工作方面接一连三地找上门， 也庆幸从听故事的人， 当了几次说故事的人。 

接下来去哪里， 会接怎么样的工作， 在哪个地方定居， 这些都还是未知数， 但是已经努力在安排当中。 想做的事情还有好多。 比如说， 去更多国家报导旅行、 当个更好的摄影师、 写出更有力量的文章、 可以有更多时间和家人相处、 身材稍微可以更健硕一些、 服装品味可以提高多一些、 心胸要变得更辽阔、 飞行时间可以更多更有趣、 身边有个可以给予安全感的伴、 每个月读两本书等。

24岁了， 想要更多更有意义和快乐的生活或说人生。 休息够了就得前进。好不好过几年像 Anderson Cooper 那样， 做个型男记者主播？

以下是过去几个月内有幸接受到的专访和报导：