不够努力

健身友人今天大伙儿练得死死的。 谁叫我最近都在偷懒， 愧疚感好重。
明天早上五点多要起来健身， 周一开工前一定要做的事情。

最近刚从热浪岛回来， 那是一个极其短暂的度假。 但是对于近期的我来说， 是一个一大口气的深呼吸。 已经好久好久， 好久好久没有不带工作的旅行。

最近都有好多人在问我， Chris 你过后有什么打算？你下一个要去的是什么国家？
说真的， 我自己也在调整和计划当中。 如果要花上好一段时间去计划的， 很显然就是方向上的转变会蛮大的。

你问我， 害怕吗?
当然， 尤其是在全新的计划上， 又得一个人去面对的时候。 想到这里感觉并不很好受。
但是我晓得人始终需要面对的是自己。

你问我， 想要回去战地吗？
很想， 非常想。
我得先安顿经济上的不稳定， 还有媒体方向的稳定性以后， 才能回到那里。
以自己目前的阶段， 真的已经不适合像以往一样， 说走就走。
阶段性的冲动过去了。
卸下了叛逆， 要走得长远， 做得更有效应， 始终还是得像大人一样规划。
20出头， 活得精彩无悔， 在不同的试探和诱惑中走过来。
20的后半段， 一定要比过去过得更有意思。
给自己心灵和情绪上的成长做一个交代。

7年过去了

羽球决赛后我问你待会儿有没有要赶回去， 晚上十点多了。

你从芙蓉开了一个小时车赴约。 你说没事， 到几点都可以。 我问你想找个比较安静的地方还是吵杂的酒吧？ 不然酒吧吧， 热闹些， 周六夜晚。

你开车， 我导航。

7年了， 你还是没有变。 我在你面前也似乎没有变。 其实这七年来心里深处有一块就是缺失的， 你知道我也知道。 你早已经知道。

都过去了， 也过得很久了。

谢谢你让17岁的我学到了成年礼最重要的一课。

有时候我真的蛮难过的， 尤其当时候的错过和失去。 如果那时候没有冲动， 如果那时候没有执着， 可能这7年就不需要一个人去面对这些让人惧怕的世界。

你啤酒后说出你的一点点迷茫， 我鸡尾酒后道出失意时的孤单。 我越是跟你说， 越是说不出， 想让你知道说他妈的， 这几年没有你其实有时挺难过。

可能你都知道。 你早就知道了，你说。 所以你一直都没有离开过。

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.

Some life lessons from Guru

There are many questions came across my mind these days. It's a form of awakening, or perhaps in a stage when you started to ponder the purpose of life. There are varies factors triggered the feeling of lost and loneliness. They aren't a good feeling as it is a stage of emotional growth where take a long time for ones to evolve.

Here are some conversations I had with my Guru, Patrick in the past months.

We talk about loneliness.

If no one can understand you if you were the only one left in this world, would u be able to give that same joy, love and affection to yourself. This is inevitable cause despite the family friends n companions we gather along the way in life, we are ultimately left to ourselves in the end. Each one of us, all our love ones hv their own life to lead and develop. We can be there for them and in turn they are there for us, but ultimately cultivation has to be done by the self alone. That is the essence of life. It is a progress n evolution n eventually transmutation n transformation. Similar to the development of a diamond from coal over many many aeons. Loving another develops our loving nature, helping others develops our compassion, being true to others and oneself develops our integrity. It is the development of character that counts in the end, that is something we should strive for.

is it true that some ppl said keep making urseld busy, get involved into some social works, going nature, meet new ppl, and I will be fine?

Yea, it's a form of distraction , still going outwards to seek happiness and meaning. Ultimately in the end you'll still hv to come back to yourself.

how can we observe the change and how do we evaluate on our progress?

When we no longer attract the same patterns that as before , patterns that are not conducive to our growth. It the patterns are still there , it means we still need to learn from the experience.

Hv to be mindful of your choices in life.

Choices in life, does it include balance between dreams and reality? How do u see between the reality and what our heart tells us to do?

Choices are driven by intent. Whenever we chose to do something we need to ask ourself what is the motivating factor. That is most important. Is it done out of fear, or out of genuine love for oneself and the other. Sometimes difficult choices hv to be made for the greater good.... You ask about reality and the heart, what the difference is- reality is what u make of it, that's why people operate on different levels of realities depending on their level of consciousness. One who aligns his pure heart with reality and follows that path , finds peace n happiness.

For now go back to intent n purpose.

Align pure heart with reality is indeed a very deep thing to handle. but is true. follow our heart will make us influenced by our emotions, can it still considered smth good?

Ah that's why I said a pure heart, not one that's controlled by emotions. That's why as a start, try to monitor your intent n motivations behind your choices first.

I still go on with my daily routine, not very busy kind of routine. but I feel the self thought things and the emotions stuff drain away a lot of my energy sometimes.

When u talk to the self as a form of therapy , u take the form of a detached observer posing questions to your emotional self. When u are lost in your 'thoughts' u are not detached , you are compounding the intense feelings and magnifying it by attaching yourself more to the emotions associated with the situation.

I come across this question again and again this week. what is the purpose of life, if we are coming to the world naked and eventually we r going to leave empty-handed too? i have try to get the answer thru my religion, passionate in doing things etc in the past 2 decades, but when i halt everything, it comes to my mind,: "what's then?"

And then we will eventually leave the world and that's it?

It's like the analogy of coal n carbon bring transformed into a diamond. Bit by bit little by little.

We do not leave the world , we return repeatedly like an actor assuming different roles n masks. Playing different parts n perspectives. What eventually matters is that the actor himself hones n develops his skill.

I understand how u feel, I've had similar questions too. The Buddha too had similar questions n he pondered over it, reflected about it and found that it was impossible to answer it through rational thought alone. One had to understand the nature of existence n reality by first understanding universal laws though inducing a state of higher consciousness - meditation.

The universal laws which he uncovered was three aspects that mark human existence- suffering, impermance, and non self .

It is therefore the quest of all sentient beings to seek the opposites- that of ultimate happiness, permanence, and self.

Different religions hv different answers to it

Most faith based religions rely on trust in an external power to save them to achieve the three main aspects

However , it is my personal view that it is through individual effort alone which counts in the end

The development of inner resources lifetime after lifetime.

We talk about humans, some humans that had intentionally or unintentionally hurt us.

People hv light and shadow aspects to their characters. Many are not conscious about the hurts they inflict onto others cause they are unaware about their darker aspects. It comes up when they are not "conscious" of it. That's why self reflection is always a useful tool. But it doesn't matter, what matters now is that you let go of this person... Not just physically but emotionally too. The wound is still there only if u cling on to the hurts n the emotional bondage of the past. Let it go. Not only will you be happier, but you are releasing the energy plugged into the past to manifest a life that is awaiting for you.

24岁的梦想

我们经常说，我们热爱自由因为我怕承担责任。这句话其实是矛盾的。要自由的人，其实要担最大的责任;选别人少走的路的人，要背负最沉重的枷锁。从来就没有不需要抵抗重力的飞翔。 - 马薇薇

就这样一句话， 就可以概括我这半年来， 没有更新部落格状况下的生活。 忙着将学业的事情搞定， 然后工作方面接一连三地找上门， 也庆幸从听故事的人， 当了几次说故事的人。 

接下来去哪里， 会接怎么样的工作， 在哪个地方定居， 这些都还是未知数， 但是已经努力在安排当中。 想做的事情还有好多。 比如说， 去更多国家报导旅行、 当个更好的摄影师、 写出更有力量的文章、 可以有更多时间和家人相处、 身材稍微可以更健硕一些、 服装品味可以提高多一些、 心胸要变得更辽阔、 飞行时间可以更多更有趣、 身边有个可以给予安全感的伴、 每个月读两本书等。

24岁了， 想要更多更有意义和快乐的生活或说人生。 休息够了就得前进。好不好过几年像 Anderson Cooper 那样， 做个型男记者主播？

以下是过去几个月内有幸接受到的专访和报导：

承认自己的不完美

把车子停在布城停车场， 一个月后从非洲回来， 缴了RM146， 领了车开往回家的路上。 烟雾仍旧在这座城市里挥之不去， 车子快没油了， 我把空调关了， 开了车窗， 还是被烟味给呛到。 到了住处楼下的一个转弯路口， 没打信号灯结果撞向了一辆摩托车， 车上两个人受了皮外伤。 带了他们去洗伤口， 修车， 修电话。 好不容易搞定了所有事情。

房间里东西堆满地。 去非洲前， 大学在期末考， 一边写稿一边准备考试一边做采访。 直到起飞的前一天晚上才把行李整理好。 打了电话跟家人报告刚刚的车祸状况， 然后打开电脑继续写稿。 午饭还没吃。 答应了中国那边的上司今天晚上回交上10个旅程路线图。 在非洲的那一整个月， 也都在马不停蹄。

看到书桌上堆满了的新书， 有自己买的， 也有朋友送的， 也有光明日报总编辑留下的。 但是我已经好几个月没好好去看书了， 真的好久。 想起来都觉得难过。 新闻也一个多月没好好去看。 手上的这个project 完成了80巴仙， 比预期的慢了许多。

自己这两年里很少很少会有拖稿的状况， 甚至可以自豪地说我从不拖稿。 但是这次的project快把我击垮了。 一直以为自己可以做得好， 准时做好。 但是并不然。 夜半十二点， 我才把路线电邮给了国外的上司。 明天又是一连串的工作。

我必须承认自己的不完美， 承认自己有时候不够好。 开学了， 又是接踵而来的琐事。 然后从非洲回来， 又是一对需要处理的bill。 其实这个就是人家说的， 你在追求自己的理想时， 总不会一直处于非常舒适的状态。 这两年多来， 一直在告诉自己要把过于澎湃的情绪、感性给拿掉， 后来我发现它们依然在我里面， 从来没有离开。 有时候我非得承认， 这个所谓的追梦过程， 会很累。

照顾好三餐、健身， 再怎么忙都不可以忘记， 我要这样鞭策明年的这个时候， 我就会正式大学毕业， 好不容易。 可能因为这样的关系， 压力更大。 毕业以后， 是否真的可以全时间做着自己理想的媒体行业， 仍旧是未知数。

真的， 我始终必须承认自己的不完美。 很多时候以为自己做了很多， 到最后其实还要努力的空间仍旧很多。 我承认自己偶尔的脆弱。 我毕竟就是普通人一个， 开心时候会开心庆祝， 失落时难受疲倦。

加油歌

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere
Any place is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
Me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
Won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

See my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
His body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so we can fly away?
We gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way

So remember when we were driving driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
We go cruising, entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a bigger house and live in the suburbs
So remember when we were driving driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

So remember when we were driving driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so you can fly away?
You gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way

我永远不会忘记这种对梦想的坚持。 这首歌写得好清晰。 

Make your best mistakes

We don't have to be ordinary

Make your best mistakes

'Cause we don't have the time to be sorry

So baby be the life of the party

I'm telling you to take your shot it might be scary

Hearts are gonna break

'Cause we don't have the time to be sorry

买了一个 Canon 15-85 镜头。 五年来第一次买了新的镜头， 恭喜自己。

买了6本很有兴趣的书。 半年没买书了， 三百多块狠狠买下去谁管他。

八月份的缅甸机票买了。 忙着东西永远都会在。 

最近也参加一连串 Mercy Malaysia 的自愿者活动。 我会一直提醒自己不要被城市的奢侈品迷惑。 该买的我会买。 

今年2月体重52公斤。 后来增肥了6公斤， 现在58公斤。 路还有很长， 但是先庆祝喝彩一番。 

中国回来

感恩生活给我的机会。 如果这些改变都是自己心所想的， 是可以让世界更好一些的， 我又何乐而不为呢？

东南卫视《杨帆走海丝》节目录影。

《杨帆走海丝》

厦门的朋友们。 只待了一天， 但是玩得很开心。

没有预料当天朋友会带我爬山涉水， 所以一身去咖啡馆的打扮， 在夏天的午后流了满身的汗。

我知道一个人的能力有限， 所以努力得去做更多。

Be The Change You Want to See in The World.

我从来没有忘记过自己的初衷。 我还是会继续上路， 那是不久以后的事情。 但是再次出发之前， 我想要更好地去装备自己。

时间快走

最近时间都非常不够用。 早出晚归。 这学期拿了5个科目， 上课的时间几乎都把我给淹没。 减去出去采访、  运动、 吃饭、 冲凉。 仅剩的时间硬是要写些稿件。

想做的事情好多好多， 比如说去做一些 undercover 的专题调查、 报导、 买相机配备。 除了工作上的需要， 几乎很难走出远门。 不必要的应酬活动几乎都拒绝了。

有幸收到中国东南电视台的邀约访谈， 接下来的周末去中国。 7月份电台有采访邀约， 还有朋友杂志的专访邀请。 一直以来付出的努力看到了一些写成效， 其实是非常开心的。 你高受到自己的存在感。 还有那微不足道的影响力。

我会继续努力。 也会好好生活。 准时吃饭、 运动、 睡觉。 出门时打扮一定要整齐， 头发一定要弄好来。

2年时间的突破

昨天早上有幸被 Global Movement of Moderates 与 Google 邀请成为一项反恐讲座的讲员之一。 对， 是谷歌， 真的是太开心了。 上台演说 25分钟， 从来没有讲过这么久， 好紧张。 表现有待加强。 但是这个机会太难得了。 熬过了过渡期看见了自己在事业和生活上的突破。 《当今大马》英文版开始有持续性的合作。 还记得两年前被 The Star 英文报以‘语言能力不好’的原因退稿两三次， 我的心都冷了一半。 后来告诉自己怎么样都要设法打入英文媒体， 扩大读者群。 中国方面的“游谱”手机旅游软件也开始了一系列的合作。 这些恩赐是我从来没想过会在这段时间拿到。 感恩。

只想说感激身边的贵人和家人。 路还有很长， 不过一定会走得更踏实。 毕竟人家说， 在你要改变世界之前， 先把自己的状态调好来。

日常生活中总是有很多高低起伏， 以前这样现在也一样。 鬓角这几年长起来了， 是长大的预兆。 恭喜。